Mediocre mode: OFF!!

Fall'08 retreat?! I was really looking forward to it!

Never really been so excited about going to a retreat..

I really expect a lot of things to happen in this retreat!

And you know what? Conviction after conviction fall upon me..

All that was said is so relevant to my situation..

God really spoke to me!

I was so struck by what He said to me..

Lately, I was so distracted by my worldly-life

I lose my first priority

I kept going to the wrong direction

At first, I did a lot of reasoning inside my mind

In order to make myself right in front of Him and everyone around me

My motives were not wrong, but I can't do it my way

I have to do it HIS way!

God called me back to His warm presence

I can't run away anymore!

The TIME has come

Time to be serious

Time to be faithful

Time to follow His way

He's second coming is getting nearer

How long will I have to run away from His PRESENCE?

I want to REFOCUS!

I want to faithfully committed to Him

What He told me to do might not be according to my convenience

But, I believe that His way is always the BEST way to follow

For my way is not His way, and His way is not my way

I just want to be faithful

Living a live that is pleasing in His eyes

Always put His kingdom first in my life

I want Jesus to be my First Love!

A love that will always on FIRE!

A love that will never perish!

Even though I'm a sinful person

He still love me

He still care for me

He accepts me for who I am

How could this be?

How could He loves me so TENDERLY?

And never reminisce of my sins & disobedient

After all the things I have done to Him

After all the sliding back of my Faith

He still shows me how faithful He is to me!

You're such an AMAZING GOD!

I'm astonished by your Great Love!

You know my very exact needs

You answer my prayer

You calm my heart

You give confirmations

You planned the BEST plan for my life

Last Wednesday, I reached my limit of taking finance as my major

I've been struggling whether or not should I change my major

I felt that I would not be able to be successful in Finance

Since I never have passion about it

After being so discourage and being so ready to change my major

God confirmed what I should take as my major

That night, I said inside inside my heart

Due to some reason, if I couldn't change my FINC 344 class to FINC 343 class

I would definitely change my major

I've been trying to create reliable excuses that I could give to my supervisor

Finance class is always become a class that will be full in the first day of registration

And I've heard before that it would be impossible for me to get into the FINC 343 class

Because it as been overloaded by 10 people

I really didn't know what to do

But you know what,

The next morning, I got a phone call from my supervisor

She asked me whether I want to change my FINC 344 class to FINC 343

I was just so speechless at that moment

From so many students in FINC 344 class, why did she chose me?

Directly, I know that it's God who worked in my situation

He knows my deepest needs

He also gave me confirmation about my major

He directs me to the wonderful plan He has planned beforehand for me

Jesus is the LIVING GOD!

Jesus never fails to show how POWERFUL He is!

"But seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you" ~ Matthew 6:33

What To Do When Trouble Comes

Today's daily devotional was really helpful in helping me to get through my problem..

Here's what it says..

"Fight the good fight of the faith" ~ 1 Timothy 6:12

Sooner or later we all have some trouble in life.

We all have some trials and tribulations.

Everybody goes through times of testing.

And not every storm shows up in the forecast.

Some days we can wake up and think everything is going to be great.

Before that day is over, we may be tested by all kinds of trouble we were not expecting.

Trouble is part of life, so we simply have to be ready for it.

We need to have a planned response to trouble, because it is more difficult to get strong after trouble comes.

It is better to be prepared by staying strong.

The first thing you need to do when trouble comes is pray, "God, help me stay emotionally stable."

Do not let your emotions overwhelm you.

The next thing you need to do is trust God.

The instant that fear rises up, pray.

Stay emotionally stable, trust God, and pray.

Then while you are waiting for God to answer, simply keep doing good.

Keep your commitments.

Do not stop serving the Lord just because you have a problem.

The greatest time in the world to keep your commitments to God is in the midst of difficulty and adversity.

When the devil sees that trials and tribulations won't stop you, he will stop troubling you for a while.

To be prepared for the next time you find yourself in a difficult situation, practice saying, "I am going to be faithful to God, and God is going to give me double for my trouble. Satan, you thought you were going to hurt me, but I am going to get a double blessing, because I am one who diligently seeks the Lord."

CRAZY mode: ON!!

OMG OMG OMG!!

I'm really going crazy!!

How can it be??

I keep laughing by myself when I'm not supposed to laugh..

I keep laughing when I actually want to cry..

I can't define my own feeling right now!

Crazily stressful!!

C-R-A-Z-Y!!

I can't release what I feel..

It's stuck inside..

All the feelings are mixing up!

Don't know which one should be taken out first..

Don't know which one is more important..

Don't know which one should I really feel..

ARGHHHHH!!!!

The bottom line is:

~ I keep laughing over POIGNANT situation!! ~

How crazy I can be??

Static Moment

What should I do now?

I'm really confused for what's happening to me right now.

I have no more idea that can help me to make things better.

I have tried my best before.

I have gone over my limit.

Pouring all the patience I have to face the problem.

The patience that usually run out short.

But now, my heart can't endure it any more.

It's been gone way far beyond my limit.

What should I do now?

I really want to make things better.

So all of us can hang out and share the laughter together.

For now, it's all seems impossible.

All that exist now is just an awkwardness and hesitation.

Some part of me really want to love you unconditionally.

Yet, the other part of me still can't tolerate the way you behave toward me.

I'm struggling with my own feeling right now.

I totally have no idea how to behave to you.

I want to keep trying to be nice to you,

but I can't lie and fool my own feeling.

I don't want to pretend to be a nice person, when I'm NOT!

I'm now entering my static moment.

Stuck here by myself thinking of what can I do to make things better.

I know there must be something better God has prepared for me.

One day, with a smile on my face, I'd be able to say,

"Thank you, Lord for putting me in that situation back then!"

The "Reality" Show

So far, it's been an interesting Fall'08 Quarter.

In just a short period of time, a lot of things have happened.

A lot of dramas have happened.

Why does it seems like all those TV shows?

New students, seniors, new crushes, histories,

relationships, friendships, and third party.

I never knew that all these things are really happening.

I thought it's only happened in reality shows.

Oh well, maybe that's the reason why it called a REALITY shows!

Yet, I just still unable to accept that it's happening in my circle.

I just never knew that all these dramas that are

happening could be so irritating and so energy-consumed.

I never knew that it could be so complicated, and

thus raised HATRED amongst us.

Honestly, I have been really tired of all these things.

I almost left it behind a while ago.

I almost been able to say that it's THE END!

However, the new season has come.

I'm forced to play another role.

A role that i don't want to be.

A role that I'm forced to be in it.

During the premiere of this new season,

I have been a "Hear no Evil, See no Evil, & Speak no Evil"

type of person.

But, this new season of drama has sucked me back in.

I really hate REALITY shows!

I have been in it for so long, that I've become so consumed by it.

When the new season came,

I thought I could left it all behind.

I just want to live a life where I can be HAPPY and

shed NO more "emotional" TEARS.

When will it come to THE END??

Am I not patient enough, so God keep putting me in this REALITY shows?

Maybe it is!! God is training me to be a person

who will have a similar characters like He Himself.

I should have just be able to stand still a little bit more,

and not be consumed with all the DRAMAS that are happening.

I should be mature and just be myself.

Being a person who is able to talk easily to new people,

and be friendly.

The PROBLEM is not within me.

Why do I am able to talk to all these new people,

and we can easily be engage in a conversation,

and build friendship through it?

But not to this one person??

Is it me who was wrong?

Or is it this person?

Whatever it takes, as long as you haven't done anything illogical,

I'll try my best to be friendly to you,

and LOVE you as my SISTER.

It's going to be HARD,

since it's me ALONE here who's trying.

You keep standing on the other side,

and not even have the DESIRE to TRY.

But it's OK because I believe that one day you'll be changed,

and finally understand that it's not just about fulfilling

your own WORLDLY DESIRE.

But it's more about our SISTERHOOD in CHRIST...

I [hEaRt] you, Sister...

W-H-Y

A lot of things came through my mind lately
Making me unable to sleep tightly
A lot of questions that I want to know what the answers are
A lot of memories that making me unable to stop my tears
A lot of "why"
A word that I shouldn't use to represent my feelings
Anger, sadness, rejection, disappointment, discouragement
But I can't keep the word from coming
Even though I keep reminding myself that everything happened for a good reason,
The word keep haunting my mind

I want to know "why" these things can't stop from happening
Why I keep falling to the same hole again and again
Why I keep crying for the same problem
Why I keep loving the same person
Why I can't be brave enough to let go my feeling
Why I don't want to move on
Why I keep holding to the air
Why I can't learn the lesson
...Why Why Why...

I keep myself drowning with the problems
Problems that has turned me into a person I don't want to be
A person who I avoid
A person with unpleasant characteristics
A person with so little faith
A person full of pride
A person full of negative thinking
A person full of anger
A person full of disappointment
A person full of hatred

Will I ever be able to be a better person?
Will I ever be able to get out of this problem?
Will I ever be able to move on with my life?
Will I ever be able to let go offenses?
Will I ever be able to move on?
Will I ever be able to stand up by myself?

sCaRs

It's because of my own stupidity

That now I have a scar on my body
A scar that will never fade away
A scar that will always remind me of my own stupidity
A scar that will always remind me of how painful it is when it landed on my skin

It's also because of my own stupidity

That now I have a scar in my heart

It will never be as perfect as before

It will make me see love in a different way

Yet, this scar will always reminds me
Of how beautiful love was
Of how beautiful love is
Of how beautiful love will be

At first, I was scared to fall in love again
Because it has hurt me deeply inside
But, what will my life be without love?


Love is the thing that keeps me alive
Love has made me strong
Love has helped me to recover
Love has taught me how to make the person you love happy
Love has made me realize that,
you don't have to be with the person you love to be happy
Love has made me grow

I am now not afraid to fall in love again
I am now ready to love myself more
I am now ready to love everyone unconditionally
I will keep spreading out my love to all people around me
I will keep my heart alive, always ^^

kEnanGan maniS

Di saat itu aku ada
Di saat ini aku tak ada
Aku tak mau lagi ada
Berjalan bersamamu menyenangkanku
Berjalan bersamaku menyakitimu
Aku akan berjalan menjauh
Pergi dari hari-harimu
Meninggalkanmu berdiri sendiri

Biarkan kenangan itu menjadi kenangan manis
Kenangan manis yang akan selalu membuatku tersenyum
dikala aku mengingatnya
Kenangan manis yang akan selalu kuingat

Terima kasih di saat itu kamu ada
Terima kasih telah meninggalkan senyum dalam hari-hariku
Terima kasih atas semua perhatianmu
Terima kasih kamu telah menuntunku
Terima kasih telah menjadikan aku seperti yang sekarang
Terima kasih untuk semua kenangan itu
Terima kasih cinta...

mOvinG On

It took me days after days, weeks after weeks, and months after months to get to where I am right now.
It is now when I finally gave up protecting what I have.
It is now when I finally get out from my comfort zone, a very comfortable zone.
Inside the comfort zone, I have learned a lot of things, things that I'm sure will turn me into a better person.
Also inside the comfort zone, I have learned to give all my love, the unconditional love.

Yet, this love I gave has hurt the person I love.
Giving you all the attention was a mistake.
Making you dependent.
And unable to socialize.
Taking you to the wrong circle of friends.

Coming out from the comfort zone will hurt me deeply for a while,
but I believe that everything will be better afterwards.
If in the end we will be happy, then the tears I've shed will be worth it.
I will keep doing what I'm doing right now.
Keep MOVING ON...


PS: I Love You...

LeTtinG gO oF oFFensEs

"(You should) be exceedingly glad on this account, though now for a little while you may be distressed by trials and suffer temptations, so that of your faith may be tested, which is infinitely more precious than the perishable gold which is tested and purified by fire. To redound to praise and glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed" - 1Peter1:6-7

After reading this verses, i become understand that every time I am tempted to be offended and upset, my FAITH is being tried; to test the QUALITY in me.

Every relationship test is an opportunity to glorify the work of GOD in me as a testimony to those watching me endure the offense.

Sadly, i am still unable to be a good living testimony for people around me. When i was fighting with my friend, i was still bragging and complaining about why we fought over things to my other friends. I became so emotional and easily offended. When we fought, i will suddenly became an unhappy person, i can suddenly be a person who looked like having a lot of bitterness inside of me.

However, i am now really in the process of changing to be a better person. I really don't want to get easily offended and upset. I want to be a person who is able to glorify the work of God in me as a testimony to those watching me endure the offense. HE promised that nothing will harm us in any way, for God is letting the temptations to come in order to test my FAITH in Him and glorify His name through it. I know for sure that HE will give me the energy i need to treat people right...