Regrets. No regrets and move forward!

regrets always come at the end. cliche, eh? but that’s how it is.

i wish i had discovered my passion in life earlier. when i was in college, i never knew what i really want to do in life, as in which field i want to work for the rest of my life. since it was very common for us, indonesian students, to take business as our major, so i just go with the flow. i took business as my major, studying specifically in finance and management. 

now, being a graduated student of a major that i don’t have passion about, i feel so empty. i know that i wouldn’t be enjoying the work i have to do later on. i wouldn’t be looking forward going to work. it would be just a mundane day that i have to go through everyday. a very same cycle of boredom. a cycle of an “obligation” in life. a cycle to just keep myself “alive” and “being properly feed”. 

if i could turn back the time, i surely know what i want to do! 100% or even 110% SURE! cause now i know what i really want to do in life, for the rest of my life. it wouldn’t be just a mundane day, it wouldn’t just be a same cycle of boredom, it wouldn’t be just a cycle of “obligations” in life, and it wouldn’t be just a cycle of keeping myself “alive” and “being properly feed”! everyday would be anEXTRAORDINARY DAY, it would be a cycle of EXCITEMENT, it would be a time to DISCOVERED SOMETHING NEW, and it would be a LIFETIME EXPERIENCE! cause i know that taking Criminal Investigation/Crime Scene Evidence Analysis/Criminal Justice as my major would keep my SPIRIT ALIVE! i know i would looking forward to go to work everyday. how i wish i could turn back the time or it would be more logical to say “how i wish i had discovered my passion in life earlier”

now, it has all been too late. all that is left now is regrets. but you know what, rather than just regretting of all the things that have happened, i would rather just strive to make the best of it. who knows, someday in the future i might get a chance to go back to school and pursue this dream job. 

Walking in Love

Woohoo~! Since the last 3 weeks ago, I have been so happy, everyday.

The reason? It's so simple! I have been walking in love :)

After being in a stagnant mode for a while, I've once again tasted the presence of God in my life. It's been sooo real! *can't really describe it with words ;p* And I'm so blessed since then. When I walked out of that Sunday service, I felt so different. Life seems simpler. My life becomes happier. My problems do not suddenly solved nor gone. Yet, I can overcome it with smiles.

Meanwhile, I have also been reading the book by Gary Chapman called "The Five Love Languages". On one of its chapter, he stated that, "Learning to love others is the fastest way to receive love". Just like any other person who read those kind of wisdom words, I would also like to give it a try. And I start doing it. Whatever people do to me, I try not to judge them or hate them. No excuse, at first, I would feel mad, but I don't piled up my anger. Instead, I always try to neutralize it before I go to bed every night. Thus, I'll wake up with smiles everyday and ready to spread out more love for the day.

As I said earlier, as I decided to walk in love, my problems are still there. It's now a matter of how you want to solve the problem. It's a matter of how you want to face it. Either you want to face it with anger, disappointment, frustration, and bitterness OR either you want to face it with smiles, hopes, openness, and love. These two options will bring you to a totally different end: destruction or construction. For me, I'll choose the second option. For every problem I face, I want to end it with a smiles and some positively life changing experience :)

Masalah & Perkara

Cape deh. Masalah tuh kayaknya gak pernah ada abisnya deh.

Blom yang satu selesai, udah ada lagi masalah yang lain.

Dan lebih kerennya lagi, masalah itu tambah lama yang dateng tambah rumit lho.

Cape gak sih?

Tapi yah, menurut gw, hidup itu bakalan lebih berwarna kalo ada masalah.

Emang sih saat waktu masalah itu lagi dateng, kayaknya hidup itu nyebelin banget.

Lo bakalan berasa kalo Tuhan gak adil sama lo.

Bakalan ada banyak air mata, rasa marah, derita, kecewa, cemburu, gelisah, dan rasa benci.

Tapi justru dari masalah2 itu, hidup gak bakalan basi.

Serasa lebih banyak warnanya.

Nanti abis masalah itu selesai, lo bakalan bisa ketawa pas lagi inget2 sama masalah lo yang dulu.

Dari masalah itu juga, lo bakalan bisa belajar untuk menjadi lebih dewasa.

Tambah pengalaman hidup. Kalo kata orang tua, jadi tambah banyak makan garam dunia.

Caelaaaahh! Gaya abis!

Masalah masalah masalah. Kenapa sih kok lo gak pernah berenti dateng?

Seneng banget yah sama kita2??

Gak punya temen di dunia lo sendiri?

Cape deh sama lo!

Kalo lo visible, bisa kali gw injek2 pukul2 cubit2 gigit2 sekalian!

Tapi, mau juga ah bilang terima kasih sama lo.

Kalo gak ada lo, mungkin hidup gw bakalan gitu2 aja.

Gak ada gairah gitu kalo bahasa kerennya!

Selama gue masih bisa bernafas, pasti lo bakal dengan setia datang berkunjung.

Dan sebisa mungkin, gue bakal selalu menyapa lo dengan hangat.

Karena dengan adanya lo dalam kehidupan gue, gue bisa lebih mengerti banyak tentang kehidupan.

Lebih bisa mengerti untuk siapa gue hidup.

Lebih bisa mengerti untuk apa gue hidup.

Aiming for the vertex!

It's just the third day of the year, yet already got a lot of things to think about.

Since a few days before the end of the year, my patient was really being tested.

I don't think I'm mature enough because I still can't control my anger.

Hearing all those words repeatedly, it made me think about who I used to be.

It's true that I'm changing.

I though I was changing into a better person.

Yet, I'm changing into the other side.

Who am I?

Come to think about it, I really miss the OLD me.

I'm not talking about my spiritual life here.

I'm talking about my character when I was younger.

I used to be a very obedient girl.

Didn't know all those branded things.

I lived simple. Thought simply.

Yet HAPPY and FOCUS.

I miss that OLD me.

Now in this new year, I am aiming for that old characters of me..

Aiming for another vertex of my life..

The vertex that just simply PURE and SIMPLE..

I want to go back HOME..

Being So Nocturnal & Getting Old

I really want to sleep.. But I just can't!

Everytime I tried to close my eyes and want to set my soul free to fly, I always FAILED!

I need sleep! It was one of the most important things in my life before!

I used to need at least 8 hours of sleep everyday..

Yet, I can stay awake for more than 35 hours straight!

How could it be?? >_<

Hate it! Hate it! Hate it!

*Maybe I should drink a sleeping pill ;p*

Anyway, I'm 21 now!! I'm LEGAL!! Yeayyyyy!!

So excited! Well, not that excited actually..

Time to grow, time to be more mature, time to get serious!

Less time goofing around. And bare more responsibilities!

Wohoooo!! The time has comeee to grow olddddddd *sighhh*

Let's just enjoy the journey! And live to the fullest!

I will not worry cause He's walking beside me ^^

I know I'll be GOOD in His hands..

Love U..

Static Moment

What should I do now?

I'm really confused for what's happening to me right now.

I have no more idea that can help me to make things better.

I have tried my best before.

I have gone over my limit.

Pouring all the patience I have to face the problem.

The patience that usually run out short.

But now, my heart can't endure it any more.

It's been gone way far beyond my limit.

What should I do now?

I really want to make things better.

So all of us can hang out and share the laughter together.

For now, it's all seems impossible.

All that exist now is just an awkwardness and hesitation.

Some part of me really want to love you unconditionally.

Yet, the other part of me still can't tolerate the way you behave toward me.

I'm struggling with my own feeling right now.

I totally have no idea how to behave to you.

I want to keep trying to be nice to you,

but I can't lie and fool my own feeling.

I don't want to pretend to be a nice person, when I'm NOT!

I'm now entering my static moment.

Stuck here by myself thinking of what can I do to make things better.

I know there must be something better God has prepared for me.

One day, with a smile on my face, I'd be able to say,

"Thank you, Lord for putting me in that situation back then!"

The "Reality" Show

So far, it's been an interesting Fall'08 Quarter.

In just a short period of time, a lot of things have happened.

A lot of dramas have happened.

Why does it seems like all those TV shows?

New students, seniors, new crushes, histories,

relationships, friendships, and third party.

I never knew that all these things are really happening.

I thought it's only happened in reality shows.

Oh well, maybe that's the reason why it called a REALITY shows!

Yet, I just still unable to accept that it's happening in my circle.

I just never knew that all these dramas that are

happening could be so irritating and so energy-consumed.

I never knew that it could be so complicated, and

thus raised HATRED amongst us.

Honestly, I have been really tired of all these things.

I almost left it behind a while ago.

I almost been able to say that it's THE END!

However, the new season has come.

I'm forced to play another role.

A role that i don't want to be.

A role that I'm forced to be in it.

During the premiere of this new season,

I have been a "Hear no Evil, See no Evil, & Speak no Evil"

type of person.

But, this new season of drama has sucked me back in.

I really hate REALITY shows!

I have been in it for so long, that I've become so consumed by it.

When the new season came,

I thought I could left it all behind.

I just want to live a life where I can be HAPPY and

shed NO more "emotional" TEARS.

When will it come to THE END??

Am I not patient enough, so God keep putting me in this REALITY shows?

Maybe it is!! God is training me to be a person

who will have a similar characters like He Himself.

I should have just be able to stand still a little bit more,

and not be consumed with all the DRAMAS that are happening.

I should be mature and just be myself.

Being a person who is able to talk easily to new people,

and be friendly.

The PROBLEM is not within me.

Why do I am able to talk to all these new people,

and we can easily be engage in a conversation,

and build friendship through it?

But not to this one person??

Is it me who was wrong?

Or is it this person?

Whatever it takes, as long as you haven't done anything illogical,

I'll try my best to be friendly to you,

and LOVE you as my SISTER.

It's going to be HARD,

since it's me ALONE here who's trying.

You keep standing on the other side,

and not even have the DESIRE to TRY.

But it's OK because I believe that one day you'll be changed,

and finally understand that it's not just about fulfilling

your own WORLDLY DESIRE.

But it's more about our SISTERHOOD in CHRIST...

I [hEaRt] you, Sister...

sCaRs

It's because of my own stupidity

That now I have a scar on my body
A scar that will never fade away
A scar that will always remind me of my own stupidity
A scar that will always remind me of how painful it is when it landed on my skin

It's also because of my own stupidity

That now I have a scar in my heart

It will never be as perfect as before

It will make me see love in a different way

Yet, this scar will always reminds me
Of how beautiful love was
Of how beautiful love is
Of how beautiful love will be

At first, I was scared to fall in love again
Because it has hurt me deeply inside
But, what will my life be without love?


Love is the thing that keeps me alive
Love has made me strong
Love has helped me to recover
Love has taught me how to make the person you love happy
Love has made me realize that,
you don't have to be with the person you love to be happy
Love has made me grow

I am now not afraid to fall in love again
I am now ready to love myself more
I am now ready to love everyone unconditionally
I will keep spreading out my love to all people around me
I will keep my heart alive, always ^^

kEnanGan maniS

Di saat itu aku ada
Di saat ini aku tak ada
Aku tak mau lagi ada
Berjalan bersamamu menyenangkanku
Berjalan bersamaku menyakitimu
Aku akan berjalan menjauh
Pergi dari hari-harimu
Meninggalkanmu berdiri sendiri

Biarkan kenangan itu menjadi kenangan manis
Kenangan manis yang akan selalu membuatku tersenyum
dikala aku mengingatnya
Kenangan manis yang akan selalu kuingat

Terima kasih di saat itu kamu ada
Terima kasih telah meninggalkan senyum dalam hari-hariku
Terima kasih atas semua perhatianmu
Terima kasih kamu telah menuntunku
Terima kasih telah menjadikan aku seperti yang sekarang
Terima kasih untuk semua kenangan itu
Terima kasih cinta...

mOvinG On

It took me days after days, weeks after weeks, and months after months to get to where I am right now.
It is now when I finally gave up protecting what I have.
It is now when I finally get out from my comfort zone, a very comfortable zone.
Inside the comfort zone, I have learned a lot of things, things that I'm sure will turn me into a better person.
Also inside the comfort zone, I have learned to give all my love, the unconditional love.

Yet, this love I gave has hurt the person I love.
Giving you all the attention was a mistake.
Making you dependent.
And unable to socialize.
Taking you to the wrong circle of friends.

Coming out from the comfort zone will hurt me deeply for a while,
but I believe that everything will be better afterwards.
If in the end we will be happy, then the tears I've shed will be worth it.
I will keep doing what I'm doing right now.
Keep MOVING ON...


PS: I Love You...

LeTtinG gO oF oFFensEs

"(You should) be exceedingly glad on this account, though now for a little while you may be distressed by trials and suffer temptations, so that of your faith may be tested, which is infinitely more precious than the perishable gold which is tested and purified by fire. To redound to praise and glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed" - 1Peter1:6-7

After reading this verses, i become understand that every time I am tempted to be offended and upset, my FAITH is being tried; to test the QUALITY in me.

Every relationship test is an opportunity to glorify the work of GOD in me as a testimony to those watching me endure the offense.

Sadly, i am still unable to be a good living testimony for people around me. When i was fighting with my friend, i was still bragging and complaining about why we fought over things to my other friends. I became so emotional and easily offended. When we fought, i will suddenly became an unhappy person, i can suddenly be a person who looked like having a lot of bitterness inside of me.

However, i am now really in the process of changing to be a better person. I really don't want to get easily offended and upset. I want to be a person who is able to glorify the work of God in me as a testimony to those watching me endure the offense. HE promised that nothing will harm us in any way, for God is letting the temptations to come in order to test my FAITH in Him and glorify His name through it. I know for sure that HE will give me the energy i need to treat people right...